choose.. me

i've been feeling rather.. unable to blog. uninspired? maybe in my particular way of shielding out the world, and due to my choice of living in relative hibernation for the time being, i have cut out one of my main forms of communication. My thoughts, and my need to shared them, express them.

so instead, i'll paste an email i got from a friend today.

i'll share it, because well.. she is more me than i can understand, but am grateful for. that readin words from her, are like reading words from myself. the only words of truth that are never painful, never judgemental, and always said out of sincerity, are those said out of love and understanding for who you are.

sex and the city could only be jealous of us. :)

why do girls always push to be 'officially dating':

1. we need that constant affirmation

2. DTRs are awkward and annoying.

3. we need to know that we are always going to be their #1, that they will choose us. otherwise they are are scummy, cheating bastards.

4. dating solves problems 1 and 2, and forces you to go with number 3 as well

for us, it's mostly #2, and dating solves that problem. as long as we are dating, i know that you are still interested and then every 2 months or so, i won't have to scheme up another 'where are we, what are we doing, do you still like me' awkward emails.

also, officially dating doesnt have to be that serious or complicated. it actually takes a lot of complications out of the whole mess. it makes it more simple. "unless otherwise stated, assume the following: 1. i like you. 2. i will choose you." thats all you're asking him right? it doesn't mean you can't have your own life, it doesn't mean that he needs to change his lifestyle. (5 emails a week doesnt need to turn to 10, 2 phone calls a week doesnt need to turn to 7, and it won't be necessary to feel obigated to come visit me, unless you want to.) and if he does change, it will all come naturally, and if he or you find that it's too conflicting with everything else, then stop.

the underlying complication that comes with dating are expectations. with all true intentions and honesty we can say that we dont expect more, we don't expect change... and currently we dont. but will that change, probably. and we know what a son of a bitch expectations can be. torturous. but it's also osmething that you can't predict how much that will come into play, just a danger that we know.

so. if you are clear with said boy. i want to date you. but i dont want to smother you. i dont want you to feel like that is what i'm asking. i just feel like this is the easiest way for me to tell you that i like you and for you to tell me that you like me. for that security to know that i'm not being a fool when i am turning down a date, and for you to have security in that as well. vice versa.

with commitment comes freedom. isn't that right?

but just remember.. with also true freedom (sans said boy) comes freedom.

beautiful. thanks best friend for speaking understanding from 1/2 way across the world.

**if you think this has to do with you. it probably doesn't.

the art of being irreligious.

i realize why i write, at least partially why. i write because i'm a coward. i'm a coward who is desperately afraid of verbal confrontation. i once told someone that i had never fought with a boyfriend. hence all my relationships have been short lived and usually fettered with confusion and miscommunication.

what that has to do with the rest of my post. nothing. it's just a little explanation into the oddity of my present personality. (i'm hoping this inability to engage in awkward discourse ends with my ever increasing maturity.)

while reading the faithfully interesting nytimes.com today (saves trees!), i came upon an article written by columnist david brooks:

In their arguments with Christopher Hitchens and Richard Dawkins, the faithful have been defending the existence of God. That was the easy debate. The real challenge is going to come from people who feel the existence of the sacred, but who think that particular religions are just cultural artifacts built on top of universal human traits. It’s going to come from scientists whose beliefs overlap a bit with Buddhism.

In unexpected ways, science and mysticism are joining hands and reinforcing each other. That’s bound to lead to new movements that emphasize self-transcendence but put little stock in divine law or revelation. Orthodox believers are going to have to defend particular doctrines and particular biblical teachings. They’re going to have to defend the idea of a personal God, and explain why specific theologies are true guides for behavior day to day. I’m not qualified to take sides, believe me. I’m just trying to anticipate which way the debate is headed. We’re in the middle of a scientific revolution. It’s going to have big cultural effects.

indeed, the debate is already starting up if i can use my own personal experience to be of any indication.

one day this past semester, me and my friend jeff, took a day trip to leave the city and go skiing on hunter mountain, on the way there we fell upon the topic of spirituality. jeff is much like me, and asian american (male -- not like me) whom was largely raised up in the typical christian church community that built it's fellowship around friday night game nights and summer camping trips. at one point in his life however (after the devestation of 9/11), jeff could no longer rationalize religion. to him, arguing with religious zealots is a bit like arguing with a 5 year old that has an imaginary friend. did God/Allah/whoever really tell him to bomb the building? probably not, but does he fervently believe so? without a doubt, yes. how do you argue with that when you (presumably the 'non religious' one) and him are coming from two completely irreconcilable sides? tell me how you tell a 5 year old their imaginary friend is not real, and i'll tell you how to achieve reasonable discourse between the aforementioned dichotomous sides.

in that same way, my personal spiritual journey has been full of ups and downs, but more and more i've come to a rather scarily comfortable place of... 'neural buddism' as david brooks would call it.

i've come to realize that the rules of religion, the confines of community, and the plays on emotional expression are no longer enough to keep me 'religious'. yet, i've also been unable and unwilling to give up my belief in 'something' the 'bigger'. yes. perhaps my faith in a specific God has slowly been translating into a faith in a not so specific 'something'. irreligious-ness is so different from being without faith. i truly can't say where i will be 5 years from now in terms of faith and religion, but i'm sure i will somehow be participating in this heady debate, be it in my head, in my writing.. or perhaps even face to face.

just flow

does change get easier as you grow up? so far i'd have to confidently say no.. and perhaps it just get's a little bit harder. but being fearful of change doesn't mean you can avoid it.

i've decided to go to indiana for law school because i believe it to be the best choice for me.. and i'm following my heart. following your heart is always easier said than done. because at the end of the road, what you're following offers you no guarantees, and it requires quite a bit of sacrificing in the mean time. i think for indiana, i'm sacrificing this odd city i've grown to love, and my friends that i can barely think of living without.

i know i know.. new york will always be here, my friends will always be here, ... but i actually hate it when people say that, because it's not just new york and it's not just my friends, but it's the big apple, with my friends, in our current stages of life. nothing about that is duplicable. it's actually priceless (insert cheesy mastercard commercial).

but if being in china taught me one thing .. it was that sometimes trying too hard to hold onto what is assuredly good can turn out to be surprisingly bad. if i've discovered that following your heart doesn't guarantee you the end goal (and may lead you on a surprisingly wonderful duck hunt instead), i'm most confident in the fact that playing your cards safe doesn't either. just because you hold onto your friends, doesn't mean they will hold onto you, and doesn't mean that life's big changes will pass you by.

all this rational thinking doesn't make saying goodbye any easier, but it makes it more comforting to know that sometimes you have to, and life will turn out the way it wants to.

no no. here it is. don't hold on too tightly. for nothing is certainly yours.

you can either find that scary (which i do most days), or find the relative freedom in that thought. (that's what i'm trying to do).

i once read on the back of a starbucks cup that commitment is a freeing experience.

the irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating -- in work, in play, in love.

how .... true.

maybe this new york moment will be something i sacrifice, but who knows what i will find when i've let that go. something equally good i hope.

sooo..
goodbye...
..saturday/sunday brunches in the city..
..mud coffee trips and the occasional banana chocolat emuffins
..random bars we randomly end up at with random guys trying to hit on us
..late night eating and 1 pound french fries
..east village pizza and kebabs
..rainy days when you have no umbrella
..horrible subway lines that run askew on the weekends and leave us stranded in brooklyn.. am i making this up or did this not happen?
..trying to make plans and have it ALWAYS fall through
..sitting on the couch everyday and watching 'espn'
..little midget she/man that lives on the first floor and always walks her poodschniztel
..reading at esperanto
..whole foods and finding the love of my life on the peanut butter aisle
..craigslist and their funny missed connections
..brother jimmys.. you've been good to us.